Reflections and thoughts...what a difference a year makes!

In two weeks my baby boy will be one year old. This shocks me, makes me happy, makes me sad...it is safe to say that it brings forth a myriad of emotions. I think back on the past year and a half (my pregnancy and Cooper's life thus far), and I am amazed at what a testament to God's plan it is. People often say that Cooper is blessed to have Brandon and I as his parents, but I feel like we are much more blessed to have him. I am saddened that a large part of my pregnancy was shadowed by worry and fear. Fear of what I thought was Cooper and Down syndrome, but fear of the unknown primarily. I am ashamed that I was scared of him, of what having a child like him meant for my life. I look at him now, easily the greatest blessing I could ever hope to know, and I want to weep at the thought that for a split second (when I first received our diagnosis) I wasn't sure I wanted 'that' child. Of course that feeling was fleeting and it was fear talking, but I still feel disheartened by it. My life now is more than I could have hoped for. He is a beautiful child, a sweet child, and my love for him grows exponentially on a daily basis. I hate it though, that my pregnancy with him may be the only pregnancy I ever experience and that some of the joy of that momentous time was stolen. Alas though, the pregnancy is just a part of the journey...really a means to an end. The important thing is he is here now.

I worry everyday that I'm not enough. It's amazing the number of people, even people who barely know me who say, "God gives special children to special people!" I don't feel special. I feel ordinary. I watch too much TV, don't work out enough (or often at all), and as much as I hate to admit it we don't practice the things we learn in therapy nearly enough. Real talk. We haven't really worked much on signing, which is supposed to be great for both typical and special needs children. We play, we watch TV, we eat, we hang out. For the most part, I treat Cooper like a typical child, because he is my typical child...my only child. But in doing this I sometimes wonder, am I failing him? If I worked tirelessly at increasing his muscle tone, signing and educational pursuits, would he have an easier time in the world? If I could afford to be a stay at home mom and devote all of my time to his progress? I guess my point is that although I wholeheartedly love Cooper and I try to show him everyday how much I adore him and am glad to have him in my life, is that enough? When it comes down to it, I think so...I love him unconditionally. Whether he walks at 1&1/2 or 5, whether he is verbal or not, no matter his abilities or the timeline on which he achieves them, I love him and am both proud and grateful that he is my son. This doesn't make me special, or a better parent than anyone else. I can almost guarantee that if I asked any of you if you love your children unconditionally, the answer would be a resounding, "Yes!" That's part of being a parent and in that way, my journey is no different than anyone else's. It doesn't make me special that I accept and love Cooper the way he is. It just makes me his mother. As the saying goes, "There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one!"

You know, it's so funny, I thought I would be so much more bothered by Cooper's delays. I thought I'd be sensitive to people asking, "Is he walking yet?" and other such questions. But you know what? I'm not. He's taught me that the world's timeframe doesn't matter and taught me that happiness doesn't come from fulfilling what the world expects of you. Over the last year I've learned that he'll do things when he's good and ready. We can try to help him along, but when he's ready he'll do it. And we celebrate the milestones that much more. He's been sitting up for about 2 months now and I still delight in it. He has great posture and sits so proudly with that little back as straight as an arrow! Not crawling yet, but that boy sure can move when he wants something badly enough (i.e. the dog, or anything he isn't supposed to have!). I can practically see the wheels turning in his little head when he's planning and plotting. He rolls away from his daddy when he's trying to change his diaper and smirks at him when he tells him to stop. He loves splashing in the bathtub and loves eating anything that's on our plates. He's very healthy and although he's small for his age, he's doing great for starting life at 3lbs 10oz. We are delighted to have spent the last year learning from this little person and can't wait for the rest of our lives with him!

What a difference a year makes!